the spectrum of sapphic mysticism and why toxic yuri works.
trigger warnings for mentions of abusive relationships
being gay comes with its typical trials and tribulations. the coming out to your parents, feeling lonely in a small dating pool and being confused about your gender (just me? i don’t think so but i digress). but there is this one thing that has been bothering me and i think many other lesbians and sapphics specifically and that is sapphic mysticism.
“i wish i was a lesbian so i wouldn’t struggle so much with dating.”
“you’re having problems with your girlfriend? i thought you were happy that you were finally dating a girl and not a guy?”
“i thought women would be different to men. the next woman you meet is gonna be the one you go on picnics with, have girly sleepovers and be your best friend ever!”
being denied that a sapphic relationship could warrant the same issues that arise in a heterosexual(-passing) relationship is searingly painful to hear when your experiences prove the opposite of what they believe. the idea that just because women are a marginalised group of people, with sapphic women being even more so, it immediately absolves them from being a person who is capable of hurting the people they love.
sapphic mysticism of this kind is what i call the ‘cottagecore delusions’. its when a non-sapphic (and sometimes baby sapphics) think about loving women and non-men as this shield from misogynistic, manipulative and undesirable behaviours.
this is not helped by the fact that sapphics are also infamously known to go deep and hard into their relationships. this can mean that they may unfortunately present themselves in a brighter and more positive light than intended. being happy when queer is such a powerful thing to have that to admit you’ve lost some part of it can feel embarrassing. even more embarrassing than a cishet woman admitting that her boyfriend doesn’t love her anymore because what do you mean you biffed it? its fine for the cis woman because ugh men right? but for a woman to fumble another woman? it might be the most embarrassing thing you could ever do.
women in this regard are given a somewhat ‘pass’ to not be held accountable or even suspected of any heinous behaviour. what should be unsurprising, and it is to many sapphics out there, is that non-men can and do hurt their own communities and the people they love. my stories, my partner’s stories, other lesbians who i’ve spoken to have all been hurt and manipulated by people who’d been given this ‘pass’.
this idealistic and unattainable idea of sapphic women and by proxy, sapphicism then deters sapphics due to how unempathetic and tone-deaf this can be. it can be great to be in a loving queer relationship (i can attest) but to be denied the visibility of our hurt and disappointment hurts when we’re claimed to be ‘seen’ by those who advocate for our kind of love.
in the sapphic community, there is a running joke that experiencing any lesbian/sapphic situationship/relationship/breakup is excruciatingly painful that it could quite literally debilitate you. lesbians know that their relationships aren’t the sunshine and flowers that non-lesbians make it out to be and have made it quite clear with several lesbian stereotypes. this includes but is not exclusive to the u-haul lesbian, the idea that lesbians run on different relationship timelines (3 months in straight world = 1 year in lesbian world) and of course, The Situationship. while there are some perks to dating as a lesbian, we still have our eccentricities and bruises that come from a lack of support. so even after telling people that lesbians are people all the same, to still be dealt a fantasised and frankly fetishistic image of lesbianism and sapphicism is discouraging at best and dehumanising at worst.
this frustration to the fetish of ‘cottagecore delusions’ then creates the other side of sapphic mysticism and that is ‘toxic yuri’ where sapphics become obsessed with lesbian and sapphic stories that showcase the hurt that other women can have on their partners. killing eve, arcane s2 and house of the dragon. they love them but can’t help their own urges, biases and inclinations towards hurting the people they hold close. this satiates the need to be seen as capable of seeing the human reality that is to be loved yet hurt. really badly.
this spectrum of sapphic mysticism is a product of not seeing lesbians and sapphics as people but as props for some fantasy of a perfect life. however, the difference between the two extremes is that ‘toxic yuri’ works. the reason why it works is because as opposed to a fantasy of a perfect life, to a lot of sapphics, this can be their reality. for these sapphics, it can be a way of processing hurt and feeling like you aren’t alone in your struggles. the antagonists in these ‘toxic yuri’ works, the manipulative girlfriend, your maker who you are indebted to, reflect our reality that they are also people looking for love, power and connection. they aren’t always one-note. they love yet they hurt. they are your biggest supporter yet your biggest hater. they tell their lover that they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them only to do something unequivocally heinous and betraying.
the idea of toxic yuri also somewhat goes along with the shared queer love for queer-coded villains like ursula from the little mermaid and HIM from the powerpuff girls. their deviance from the status quo (that women can ‘only’ be victims), the extravaganza of their presentations (the sometimes exaggerated heartless woman), and being ‘other’ all makes it a no-brainer why queer-coded villains are so beloved1. its all the things that queer people resonate with that they don’t get from typical mainstream characters.
in toxic yuri, the element of being ‘other’ is what i would say is the most important ingredient. being ‘other’ is being hurt and witnessing a woman being ‘villainous’ in an unexpected way that has not been represented in media. that is until very recently, which has drawn the attention of lesbians who yearn to be seen as people who need love.
there is also an element of control that comes into play. not being able to control how your life goes but being able to control what you read, what you watch is something that gives you your power back. you are able to read problematic content that you may resonate with but without any of the real life consequences that could trigger negative reactions.
dark content gets a lot of bad rep for being chock filled with actions and emotions that can be considered problematic. though with the rise of the romantasy genre also popularising dark romance, we get to better understand why stressful, toxic and problematic content can be considered a coping tool. its to process, to control, to see something that happened to you from a bystander’s point of view in a controlled, fictional environment.2
in my research, i tried to find articles about sapphic people engaging with texts that could be considered problematic content but a majority of what i could find were articles about cishet dark romances. while some reiterate my point that reading such content is about control and exploring intense emotions with no real consequence, its discussion of misogyny and probable romanticisation of oppression made it unrelatable.
‘Dark romance recognizes that life is difficult and dangerous, especially for women, who face discrimination every day and are more likely to be killed by their intimate partner than by anybody else. But it also reassures readers that there is still a way to survive, fall in love, and, of course, have toe-curling sex. […] At the same time, dark romance can perpetuate deeply retrograde, repellent notions about gender, race, and power. The books often suggest that women aspire to be nothing more than the zookeepers of the monstrous men in their lives. Reading dark romance may be romanticizing our own oppression.’3
misogyny and romanticisation of oppression via misogyny by men is not something that sapphic and lesbian relationships suffer from. if the appeal of dark romance for cishet women is that they have power via seduction and desire over someone who could hurt them in a patriarchal society, what’s in it for the sapphics? what could draw lesbians in to reading and consuming toxic yuri? what i could find that could be relatable for sapphics was mentions of the subversive nature of toxic and abusive lesbian relationships under reviews of carmen maria machado’s titular memoir, in the dream house.
‘Part of what makes Machado’s relationship with the woman in the Dream House so poisonous is that since they are both women, it does not align neatly with our culture’s ideas about abusive relationships. Machado doesn’t have a vocabulary for talking about what is happening to her […] “Our culture does not have an investment in helping queer folks understand what their experiences mean,” [Machado] concludes.4
in my personal experience, engaging in toxic yuri, seeing certain power dynamics has helped me processed the hurt that had been done onto me by women. i can relate with the emotionally abused women until its talk about the ‘abusive nature of men’ when its the abusive nature of abusers. abusers who are women and non-men are abusers nonetheless.
the want for villains to be ‘villains’ and ‘evil’ comes from our experiences of seeing people for what they did to us. they may have been delightful people to their coworkers and friends but behind closed doors, its a completely different story. to keep allowing villains be misunderstood feels cheap and like your friend just won’t pick a side because ‘there are two sides to every story’. not when it comes to abuse my friend! there is no reason anyone has to do that to someone else. regardless if they’re their lover.
toxic yuri recognises this.
now am i basically equating toxic yuri to cishet dark romances? yes and… no.
while they share similar characteristics of being a coping tool for marginalised groups of people, their causes are different.
cishet dark romances are made out of cishet women’s desire to feel control over their male lovers in a patriarchal society where misogyny is prevalent and rampant.
toxic yuri is made out of sapphics and lesbians’s frustration and desire to be seen as just as human as anyone else.
Jones, Ajani, November 13, 2023, A lion, a sea witch, and their flashy wardrobes: A wicked history of Hollywood’s queer-coded villains, The Georgetown Voice.
Bigey, Magali, November 19, 2023, Reading dark romance: The ambiguities of a fascinating genre, The Conversation.
Sherman, Carter, May 23, 2023, Inside the World of Dark Romance, Where Serial Killer Is the New Sexy, VICE.
Grady, Constance, November 14, 2019, Carmen Maria Machado’s new memoir is a portrait of a relationship in fragments, Vox.